Harry Potter and Fellowship of the horocruxes
by Spidey3000
Summary: Harry needs help, so he calls Ash J. Williams, Shawn, Buffy, and Jack to help him find horocruxes, and much much more
1. Chapter 1

**I figured that I might as well spend the time in which I have writers block working on a different story. This story will be my strangest crossover yet. Please enjoy. This was inspired by every good fanfic I've seen on this site, and some others. It will be my attempt at randomness. I will make it longer than "Supremacy" is now. Time for me to disclaim.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Shawn of The Dead, Evil Dead, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Samurai Jack, or Lord of The Rings. On with the story.**

As Harry Potter read the letter from his late mentor, Albus Dumbledore, he realized that he still knew very little of the wizarding world. Dumbledore was asking him to invite four muggles to fight an army of rather nasty vampires, werewolves, inferi, dementors, and evil wizards. While the ministry had many laws that forbade muggles from knowing about magic at all with a few exceptions, all four of these muggles had special cases that made them to important to the wizarding world to be neuralized. He got out the cell phone that Dumbledore had left him in his will.

Shawn heard the phone ringing while having yet another argument with Liz about the benefits of hiding a zombie in the shed in the backyard. After convincing her to put the Winchester down, he answered. Harry said "Hello, is this Shawn Riley?" asked Harry "yes" said Shawn "Are you aware that there is an evil wizard planning to destroy all muggles, half-bloods, and especially squibs?"Harry again "Yes, I recently learned what a squib was because of him."That one was Shawn "Then, do you know your wife is in danger?" Harry "Yes," Shawn "Then will you help us stop him?"Harry "Not unless he makes his move against us," Shawn "Do you know he plans to destroy all forms of alcohal, and tea?" asked Harry, knowing the answer "What can I do to help?"

Shawn Riley, who for some reason looked exactly like Simon Pegg, had recently learned that his wife was a squib. She had found out just after Z-day that she was put up for adoption when her parents had had her tested to see if she was a wizard. They simply thought she would be better off not knowing about magic, than envying those who could harness it. They had decided to seek her out to warn her of the return of Voldemort, who hated squibs, and half-bloods, and pretty much everything but purebloods, whom he extremely disliked. Since she was engaged to Shawn, he had been told to. He joined the Order of the Phoenix so he could help protect his wife from Voldemort. If you want to know more about him, go watch Shawn of the Dead stupid. I have other things to write about.

Ash was doing his highly importants job of working a cash register at S-mart, when his cell-phone rang. His boss came out of his office looking pissed "Williams, you're fired for not putting your damned phone on vibrate!" Ash turned to the people in line, "Well, I guess I don't have to keep secrets from you lot anymore: have the employees here are illegal, and the food in this store was smuggled to this country in some Mexican's ass, shop smart, S-mart, you bastards," Ash then answered his phone. "You just got me fired, so this better be good," "Would you like to join the Order of the Phoenix?" "Why would I want to join some nerdy club for wizards?" "This may involve explosives," Ash was intrigued "Tell me more..."

Ashley J. Williams was a man in his early 30's, who could have been Bruce Cambell's twin brother. He was apparently the promised one, or muggle who protected the world from the Book Of The Dead. He had been told about the magical world after his experiences in 1300 A.D., and had been told that he came from a long line of promised ones, who were all muggles. They had had trouble locating him, but had done so after he returned from saving the world from the damned thing. He thought he had destroyed the book, but it was apparently remade in different location every time it was destroyed. However, it wouldn't be remade for three years, so he totally had time to go on an epic adventure with Harry if such an occasion arose. He had befriended Dumbledore, and was saddened by his death. He wanted to help avenge the death of his friend, and wanted something to do while the Necronomicon was remaking itself, so he loaded his boomstick.

Buffy was the current Slayer. Like the Promised One, a new one was chosen every time the old one died. Slayers are basically muggles that kill things, evil things, like vampires and weak demons. She had finally found a way to close the Hell-mouth that brought vampires, and demons to this plane of existance, so she really wasn't needed much anymore in Sunnydale. She later found that an evil wizard named Voldemort was gaining support among vampires and other things Slayers had to kill, so she joined a group of wizards that was determined to kill this wizard. She had been skeptical at first, but when Harry told her about the large amount of vampires in Voldemort's army, she accepted.

Jack was new to the whole "phone" thing, and had not figured out how to answer it. After several tries Harry got kind of ticked. He used the flu powder network to get to jacks fire place. He walked up to Jack and vividly explained how to use a cell-phone. He then returned to the fire place and flued back, and called Jack. Jack answered the phone. "I am sorry I didn't answer earlier, but a kid covered in soot just came out of my fire place and explained how to use a cell phone, which I didn't know how to use before," Harry ignored this and told Jack, who already knew about the wizarding world, all about Voldemort. "And that's why he is actually more dangerous than Aku," said Harry, concluding the most persuasive speech ever given over the phone. Jack, who was wiping away a tear that was coming out of his eye, said "Very well, I will join this Order of The Phoenix." He got out his samurai gi, and his sword, and walked across the street to Grimwald Place.

When everyone had arrived, Harry read the letter from Dumbledore to everyone.

_Dear Harry,_

_I wrote this letter minutes before we went to get the horocrux, and I believe that if you are reading this, I am dead. You are just now blaming yourself, along with Draco, for my death. I must tell you that none of the above mentioned are trully guilty of failure or betrayal. I know that you did all you could, and Draco did what he had to do to protect his parents. However, there is a man in the school that is guilty of betrayal: Severus Snape. I knew that Severus was in league with Voldemort the whole time, but unfortunately, my death was neccessary for the survival of my main spy: Draco Malfoy. I got him to come to our side after he attacked you in the bathroom. It turns out that he wanted to defect to our side anyway, but he had sworn an unbreakable oath to get the Death Eaters into the school, and that I would die in the attempt. He had done this only for the sake of his mother, whom Voldemort threatened to kill. I found out the truth from Draco, and we made a plan use the attack to obtain the horocrux. If Severus still lives, kill him! He will probably be sent to kill you. Draco has probably killed meby now, but I had cancer anyway, and told him to do so. Severus would never do this himself, he would let Draco do it, he wouldn't come out of nowhere and AK me, since it would endanger his mission to kill you that we don't know about but suspect. At this moment he is probably right there with you telling you that Draco is a traitor, since he has done nothing to make anyone suspicous, but anyway, I am putting you in charge of the Order Of The Phoenix, here is a list of people that I want you to invite to join, and a list of horocruxes that Draco got out of Voldemort while he was drunk, my picture will tell you what to do when you have destroyed at least six horocruxes, but won't appear until you do so, the people are:_

Harry stopped at that point since he wanted to keep the locations secret, and the people were already there. "Alright, me Ron and Hermione will go get horocruxes, but we could use some back-up; who's with me?" noone answered. The LOTR music started playing from out of nowhere; Jack spoke up: "You will have my sword," then Buffy "And my bow," then Shawn "And My Axe...er...Crickit Paddle!" Ron and Hermione "we're coming too!" then Ash "Well, I guess I'll go, since I don't have anything better to do." even Dobby, but who gives a damn: he's just a house elf. Lupin then stood up, "So, it is settled: you are the fellowship of the horocruxes, I'll look after the Order while you gone."

They then started on their epic quest to find the horocruxes...well actually they went to Olive Garden first; then they started their epic quest to destroy the horocruxes!!!

**Alright, I'm new at this random humor thing, so be gentle. I have wanted to do this story for a while. I hope I get some reviews. Noone seems to be reading or updating stories for some reason. Oh, well, sucks for me.**


	2. Peeves, Politics, and Poddy Training

**Hello, fans of randomness, I hope you all missed this story. I really don't know what to say, so...**

**enjoy.**

Before heading for the first horocruxes, they needed to make a quick stop at Hogwarts. "Why do we need a freakin' sword to find the freakin' horocruxes?" asked Ash. "I don't know, but Dumbledor said it would come in handy," said Harry, who had been questioning Dumbledor's judgement lately. As they walked Buffy and Jack were deep in conversation.

"Why didn't you just use a cross on him?" Asked Buffy. "Aku was not a vampire, he was a demon!" was the answer. "Vampires are demons!" said Buffy. "Vampires are not demons," said Jack "though they are evil," Buffy thought on this. "I would have whipped Aku's ass!" she proclaimed. Jack laughed "I do not doubt that you are a skilled warrior," he said "But without this sword, you would be no match for Aku." Buffy took this as an insult "Just because your nothing without your sword," she said "doesn't mean I'm not!" Jack started to get pissed "Well at least my powers come from training, and not from some curse in my blood!" And the conversation soon went from talking to bickering.

They soon reached Hogwarts, and were greeted by Hagrid, who was happy to see Harry. "Hello, Harry," the very large man said. "Hello Hadgrid, how's Grawp?" Hagrid paused, and looked kinda depressed. "Oh, he misses you Harry, and he won't do much without ya," said the half-giant. "I've also been trying to poddy train him,"

Flashback

Grawp was in Hagrids shack, and Hagrid was trying to lead him to a toilet. "Come on," he said, "I'm tired a changin' yer diapers, it's time to use the big boy poddy," The half-giant was pointing to a giant toilet in his shack. "First you need to take off the diaper," said Hagrid; Grawp complied after staring from Hagrid to the diaper, and back to Hagrid. "Good, you've already completed the first step," said Hagrid. "Now look at the poddy, and lift the seat up," again, Grawp complied, though he was trying to hold it badly. "Now you can figure out the rest..." Grawp looked from the toilet, to Hagrid, then back to the toilet, then back to Hagrid...

And Hagrid was blown through the wall by a pressurized spray of yellow water. "Well, back to the drawing board..." he said.

End of Flashback

"I haven't had much luck though," was all Hagrid said. "Well, if he's depressed, I guess we could visit him on our way back," said Hermione. Hagrid suddenly looked as if he had a brilliant idea. "Say, Harry, I know you got alot on yer hands with the prophesy an all but could you maybe..." he looked around "Harry? Harry..." He turned to see Harry was running faster than he'd ever seen a human being run, heading for Hogwarts. "Must be in a hurry," the half-giant said. "Say, Hermione, could you be a friend and..." Hermione answered before he could finish the question. "Uh... We have important business with McGonigal right now, but I'm sure one our friends can help you out..." and ran off. Ron was right behind her. "Great to see you Hagrid," he said as fast as he could. Dobby wanted to help, but Hagrid told him that Harry probably needed him more. He was in luck though, for someone finally offered to help. "Is it dangerous,"was "Yes," said Hagrid. "Small chance of survival," was the next."Yes," there was one more question. "Will it involve explosives?" Hagrid sighed "I hope not, but you never know," Ash smiled "Mission accepted." he said, then asked "What's the mission?"

Harry headed up to the headmaster's office, and guessed the password easily: "Cats are cool," The gargoyle slid to the side. He walked right in. "How dare you come in here to auction off my...er... his things!" said McGonigal, not recognizing Harry at first. "Oh, Harry...um...good to see you...in my office...that I've already redecorated..." Harry looked around, and noticed that the place was covered with HelloKitty stuff, Garfield comic strips, and posters with pictures of cats with catchy frases...the horror, the horror!!!

Harry decided to cut to the chase: "I'm here for the sword of Gryphandor," He was hoping she would just hand it to him so he could get as far away from McGonigle's horrible decorations as he could, but this was not the case. "Well you can't have it," she said, "because it's mine, all mine!" she smiled "because I am Bella...I mean McGonigle, not a deatheater in disguise, so sir!" Harry realized that the former transfiguration teacher was acting a bit out of character. "Everything that was in here is now mine according to the will, so get out!" Harry pulled out his wand, and hexed the imposter before she could reach down. Using the same spell that Sirius had used on Peter, Harry turned the phony McGongle back into Bellatrix Lastrange. "The only thing that Dumbledor left the professor was his office...and his furniture...and Faux...and photographs of some sort, though the will didn't specify what was in them..." Harry looked thoughtful for a minute "...but anyway, your not McGonigle, so he didn't leave you a damned thing; Stupify!" she dropped to the floor, unconcious. "That one was for Sirius!" Harry noticed the sword of Gryffindor lying on the desk, and picked it up. He sheathed it and walked up to a cabinet, and opened up a cupboard, where he found McGonigle tied to a chair.

Jack, Shawn, Buffy and Dobby were having a bit of a disagreement with Peeves: he thought it was easy to dump slime on them...and they disagreed. The creature had also taken Jack's cellphone, which was specially made to work in magical areas. "Be gone demon!" Jack yelled, taking a swing at the poltergiest with his sword. "Muggles with dresses can't catch Peeves!" The annoying spirit of being a pain in the ass mooned Jack and stuck his tounge out at him. "Very well, I guess there is nothing I can do," said Jack, who now had a brilliant idea. "You are trully a worthy opponent!" Peeves was happy. "Perhaps we should order some pizza to celebrate!" Peeves had had pizza before, but had no idea how to use the cellphone, so he handed it to Jack, who dialed the neccessary phone number. "They are on the way," said Jack, "They said to wait outside...how will we divide the pizza?" Peeves gave his usual answer: "I get one have, you give me the other half!" and flew off.

He then several men in strange suits getting out of the van. "Where's the pizza?" asked Peeves. The men merely zapped him and put him into a little box. Jack came out and paid the Ghostbusters for removing the pest. He then asked if he could keep the ghost, without letting it out of the container.

The whole gang except for Ash met at the front gate. Aurors ran into the school; drawing their wands as they ran. "What was that all about?" asked Hermione, as they met Harry. "Well, Bellatrix was impersonating McGonigle using a polyjuice potion, so I stunned her and called the Ministry. " Harry said. "We should probably leave before the Minister gets here to try to convince me to tell the wizarding world that they have things under control..." at that moment, Rufus Scrimgeor appeared out of nowhere with a loud pop. "Harry, just the person I was hoping to see!" said Rufus, not noticing the large amount of prophanity that Harry was muttering under his breath. "I hope you have changed your mind since two days ago, since you were stricken with grief and probably blamed the Ministry for Dumbledore's death; now I hope you will see the logic of helping the ministry..." Harry cut him off "Nope, I'm still Dumbledore's man through and through, and I'm kind of busy fighting Voldemort for you, so come back after I've killed Voldemort, and we'll talk!" As he tried to walk away, however, he was surrounded by aurors with wands! "I hope that you will forgive me for taking such harsh measures, but if you do not see the logical since in trusting the Ministry to do it's job, then you will have to be made to!"

"You should talk about common sense," said Jack, who was now right behind Scrimgeor. "When you are clearly at a tactical disadvantage," Jack calmly put his sword to the Minister's neck. The aurors pointed their wands to the Samurai, Buffy pointed her crossbow at one of the aurors, Shawn did the same with his Winchester, and Ron and Hermione drew their wands. Even Dobby was prepared to kick some ass. "You've brought muggles to Hogwarts!" exclaimed Scrimgeor. "Actually, all of them have special cases that allow them to know about our world, and you aren't in a position to accuse me of anything, since you aren't much worse than a petty dictator!" said Harry. "You even got Dolores Dumbitch out of a life sentence to Azkaban after she admited to sending a dementor to kill me!" Umbridge, who happened to be among the so called aurors looked pissed "You shouldn't call people names behind their back, Mr. Potter!" Harry looked at her "Sorry, Dumbitch, is this better: you're a dumb bitch!"

The large cow like woman pointed her wand at Harry, but he whipped out his wand and had her puking slugs in three seconds. This took the fat woman's wand away from Buffy, who knocked out the man in front of her. This caused a chain reaction, in which all the aurors were either disarmed, or unconcious. "Harry Potter, you have led an attack against the ministry, I'll have your wand for this!" Harry just smirked "You can try to take my wand, but will anyone help you if they knew that you were using taxpayers' money to re-unite the Spice Girls?" Scrimgeor looked at Harry in horror, wondering how the boy had discovered his obsession. "Dumbledore had some friends in the ministry, and they had some dirt on you," said Harry. "I also don't think you'd have much of a second term if they knew how you spent your evenings!" Scrimgeor's eyes went wide. "How did you know all this?" he asked "There's no way that you could get a spy in my office without my knowing!"

Flashback

Scrimgeor was singing along to "I'm a Barbie Girl" while he was in his office, and didn't notice the House Elf right above him with a video camera, dressed in ninja gear. _That will teach the mean minister to mess with Harry Potter!_ Dobby thought. a drop of sweat fell off Dobby's head and landed on Scrimgeor. The houseelf turned invisible as the man looked up. "Damn, the roof must be leaking again," said Scrimgeor, "Well, at least the water isn't yellow this time," Dobby then ate a cracker, and crumbs landed on Scrimgeor's head. The man scratched his head, and noticed the crumbs. "Must be dandrif," He said. Dobby then fell off the ceiling and landed on Scrimgeor's desk with a loud thud. "I must be hearing things again," he said. His secretary then walked in, and they were about to...lets just say polish the desk, when she stopped him for a minute. "Are you sure it's safe in here?" She asked. Scrimgeor laughed "It's not like some ninja houseelf is hiding in here with a videocamera so he can give all my secrets to Potter!"

End flashback

They left Scrimgeor where he was, and went to Hagrid's to pick up Ash. "Hey Ash, get over here, yer friends are leavin'!" Ash entered the cabin, soaking wet and covered in crap. He walked up to Harry, "I owe you..." he said "...and you..." he pointed to Ron and Hermione "...and especially you!" He walked up to Hagrid and pointed in his face. "I am not leaving until I get a shower!" exclaimed Ash. "Grawp is usin' the toilet at the moment," said Hagrid. "Wait, you finally poddy trained him?" asked Ron. "This man was the one that done it!" said Hagrid. "Why didn't I think of painting the toilet pink?" he said thoughtfully. Before they left, Harry noticed two Bruce Cambell shaped holes in the wall. Ash must have used trial and error for that one...

Ash was in a better mood after his shower. "Where to next?" he asked. "Well, we must first drop off this troublesome spirit in a place where he won't hurt anyone." said Jack, holding up the container that held Peeves. Ron smirked, "I know just the place..."

It was a slow day at the shop for Fred and George, and it had been very uneventful. They were happily suprised when Hedwig dropped a brown package onto their desk. They soon opened it to find a strange muggle device with a single red button. Fred pushed the button, and Peeves was freed. "Where is that damned samurai?" asked the enraged spirit. Peeves was delighted upon seeing the faces of his two favorite Hogwarts students. He told them his tale of woe, which made them laugh. "We'll have to meet this Jack fellow,"

**I hope you like this chapter, I will update soon. What did you think of Ash's mission?R&R**


	3. Filthy porkeys and Evil Cliffhangers

**A/N: It's been a while since I updated this story, due to the horrendous lack of reviews, but I thought I'd suprise the few peole that seemed to like it with an Update! I was going to give up on this story, but I keep getting ideas for it! Oh well, at least it's not total crap like some of my other stories...Like that Power Rangers one...i should delete that one some time soon. Anyway, Enjoy the chapter!**

The group headed for their next location: the Weasily Family home.

"Do I still smell?" asked Ash.

"You smell like you just tried to potty train a bloody giant!" said Shawn, laughing at him.

"Shut up, Simon!" said Ash, angrily.

"Why did you just call me Simon?" asked Shawn, raising an eyebrow.

"Cause I have nicknames for everybody!" said Ash. "And you look like your name should be Simon for some reason... maybe it's your name in some weird alternate universe..."

"Well maybe you're name is BRUCE in an alternate universe!" said Shawn, unable to come up with a good comeback at the moment.

"Whatever, Simon," said Ash, grinning as he continued to diss on Simon, I mean Shawn.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"I read your file, Mr. Williams," she said. "It said you were an insane, yet somewhat heroic idiot who had a habit of using words against your enemy, but that you were unable to stop using them when talking to everyone else...and that you worked at S-mart,"

"Well Shorty, seems like you must be quite INTERESTED in me, if you read my file...alas, if only you were a few years older, it would be legal...but I won't break the law, so you'll have to settle for Red here," said Ash, pointing his thumb at Ron.

Ron reached for his wand, suddenly deciding to try his luck with the slug-puke curse again, but Hermione suddenly laughed.

"Oh Ash, you're such a flirt, but from reading you're full name in that file, I'm confused as to you're gender... heck, you must have had some moments of gender confusion yourself, with a name like..." she started to say, grinning mischeviously.

"You wouldn't DARE say my entire first name..." said Ash, glaring at her.

"Why not, Ashl..." Hermione said his name in slow motion, giving him time to rethink his nicknaming ways.

"Alright! I'll be good! Don't tell them my first name!" said Ash, pleadingly.

"Alright," said Hermione.

Harry grinned, as he too knew that Ash's first name was actually Ashley.

"I do not understand what can be so embarrassing about a name," said Jack.

"Coming from someone who's name isn't even listed," said Harry. "It just said that you went by Jack, and you were actually the next in line to become the Japanese emperor, but never did,"

"I doubt Jack is you're real name," said Hermione. "As I'm sure western culture and names were not common in Japan at the time you were alive... though your file did have some inconsistancies, like saying you were trained to be a samurai, but were trained in Ancient Egypt, which fell LONG before all of our evidence indicates that the samurai came into being..."

"So what? Everything we know about history comes from old weapons, surviving notes and records, poetry, and pictures that for all we know could have been made by crazy people that were high on drugs," said Buffy. "You could rewrite some history books, Mr. Jack...or Jack-Kun, or whatever you'd like me to call you,"

"Just call me Jack, I need no honorifics," said Jack, before turning to Hermione. "I don't know what exactly you mean by saying that I was to be the emperor of Japan,"

"It's true that I'm of Royal blood, and that my people were indeed ruled by an emperor, but the country you know of as Japan wasn't united when I left..." he said, before sighing sadly.

"Well, technically, i guess you could say that Aku 'united them through conquest', but he did that to pretty much the entire world, so that doesn't really count," he said. "And the Samurai you're referring to are a bit different than the samurai of my time period, who were simply unafiliated warriors who followed the samurai code, not the unquestioningly loyal warriors that they later became, and if it really matters to you, my name is..."

Before Jack could reveal his name, he was interrupted by Ash.

"Um...Mr. Pajamas? Shorty? Buffy the Male-Love-Interest-Slayer?" said Ash, getting their attention. "Nobody reading this thing gives a damn about history, so unless you're forshadowing something important that's coming later, can we please either get back to the comic relief, or get to the action already before people leave?"

Everyone looked at Ash as if he were completely insane...which he was, but that's not the point.

"What?" he said.

"I'm dunno what you're talking about, so i'm just going to nod and back away," said Ron, doing that.

At that point, the reached the port key that would take them to the Weasily home.

--

"Why are we all stopping right next to this filthy, old, and germ-ridden teddy bear?" asked Shawn.

"I agree with Peggy," said Ash, staying a foot away from the teddy bear. "I don't see anything important here,"

"It's a portkey, you git!" said Ron.

"Oh no you didn't!" said Ash, walking forward threatening, though he suddenly stopped. "Wait, what's a git?"

"British slang term that could mean a load of things, though it is usually used for idiot or jerk," said Shawn.

"Why you little..." Ash began chasing Ron with his chainsaw insanely.

"Ash, calm down, Ron is just being an bloody git," said Harry. "Anyway, he was raised with wizards, so he probably forgets that muggles don't have things like portkeys and magic, and such,"

"THEY DON'T?" said Ron.

"Hence why they're MUGGLES, and not WIZARDS," said Hermione, rolling her eyes, though she smiled at his antics.

"Oh yeah!" said Ron. "I keep forgetting that..."

"Any way, back to my original question, what the hell is a portkey?" said Ash.

"And why are we gathering next to it?" said Buffy.

"And how is this item supposed to transport us to the residence of the Weasily clan?" said Jack.

"And when we get there, will there be tea?" asked Shawn.

Harry sighed.

"To answer all of your incredibly similar questions with one answer, a portkey is an item that magically transports you to a specific location when you touch it," he said. "And I'm not sure if Mrs. Weasily will have tea waiting for us when we get there, as she probably won't be expecting me, as I've spread false information that I'm going to head for the Dursleys' place next, pick up my stuff, then head for The Order of the Phoenix headquarters, and didn't even mention the Weasily's on my list of locations,"

"So no tea?" said Shawn, disappointed.

"Well, she might make some when we get there..." said Harry.

"ALRIGHT!" said Shawn.

"...if she has tea, and I'm not sure if tea is as popular in the wizarding world as it is amoung the muggles," said Harry, suddenly bringing him down again.

"But there's a chance we might have some tea..." Shawn said, still carrying a small ounce of hope, before Ron crushed it utterly.

"What's tea?" asked Ron. "I heard some muggle born kids in Hogwarts mention it, but when i asked my mum what it was, she said that it was some disgusting drink muggles made..."

Shawn sighed, but then seemed to perk up.

"Oh well, I guess I'll have to live without tea then..." he said, suddenly not seeming to mind much.

"He's taking the lack of tea rather well," Hermione whispered to Ron.

"TEA? WHERE? TELL ME!" said Shawn.

"Erm...anyway, lets just grab the portkey and get going, shall we?" said Harry, who was already starting to question Dumbledore's wisdome in the people Dumbledore had recommended.

_It shall forever baffle me that Dumbledore knew so many muggles that are protected from the Secrecy laws of the wizarding world, and who seem to be mostly idiots so far, excluding the one called Jack, but it doesn't look like he shall be very useful either, since i don't see how a sword and martial arts skilsl will help much against a well-trained Death Eater!_

_But then, I haven't seen what these guys can do. Maybe they are just idiots on the surface, and beneath it they have the minds of great warriors, ready to rise to whatever challenge is thrown at them, and hearts that will never give up, no matter what the odds... _thought Harry. The thought gave him some hope, that maybe Dumbledore was still the wise man he'd known all his life.

"I am SO not touching that thing!" said Buffy. "It's filthy, it's probably got germs all over it...and those yellow stains look kinda suspicious!"

"I agree," said Shawn and Ash at the same time, before glaring at eachother again.

"I must admit, that toy looks rather insanitary, though I shall touch it if I must," said Jack.

"Well, unless you want to walk ALL the burrow, which by the way, is several hundred kilometers away, then don't touch it," said Ron, having an uncharacteristic moment of intelligence.

"That doesn't seem like a very long walk to me," said Jack, who had super human stamina.

Buffy stared at him for a moment. "Not all of us walk distances that would make most Olympic athletes tired on a day to day basis," she said, rolling her eyes yet again.

"You make it sound it is a bad thing," said Jack, raising an eyebrow at her.

Harry rolled his eyes.

_On second thought, maybe Dumbledore just wanted me to have to travel with a bunch of idiot muggles, so he's have something to laugh about in Heaven..._

_Meanwhile, in Heaven..._

Dumbledore, who was currently hanging out with one of his favorite dead authors from another universe, sneezed.

"That's strange," he said. "That's the MILLIONTH time I've sneezed in the short time I've been dead..."

Jiraiya, who was at the moment looking down on Tsunade while she was in the shower, turned to him.

"That's usually a sign people are talking or specifically thinking about you," he said.

"Well, I only died recently, so I guess people will be talking about me alot now," said Dumbledore.

"Makes sense," said Jiraiya, stupidly. "Say, where'd Harry go...Osbourn I mean, not Potter..."

"Oh, he got ressurected..." said Dumbledor.

"Dang it, every time I befriend someone from that universe, they get ressurected on me!" said Jiraiya. "Oh well, I'm gonna go 'research' Spiderman and Mary Jane since now is around the time they..."

"Yeah...about that..." said Dumbledore. "I heard some rumors...lets just say they won't be doing that again any time soon,"

Jiraiya looked genuinely disappointed.

"Dang it, they were my favorite couple to research too!"

_Back with the fellowship..._

Harry sighed.

"Don't worry...there are...um...sanitizing spells on it to make it...uh...look filthy, without actually being filthy!" he lied.

"Oh, Ok, that works," said Ash, grabbing the portkey

"Why didn't you say so?" said Shawn, following him.

"Harry, you are truly an... usotsuke," said Jack, disapprovingly, but not revealing what usotsuke meant, since he wanted to get this over with. He too touched the portkey.

"I agree with Jack... usotsuke means 'idiot' right?" said Buffy, not quite guessing the meaning of the word.

"I shall tell you when after we get there..." said Jack, smiling, knowing she'd probably let go if she knew he'd just called Harry a liar. (A/N:be warned: my japanese is probably flawed...I used a translator for that word. Plus, the translator said that word was slang, but the definition seemed to work.)

"Finally!" said Ron, also touching it.

"Good work Harry!" said Hermione, grabbing the portkey as well.

Soon, they were all touching it, but right before it disappeared, a rather unfortunate and stupid accident occured.

Suddenly, Ron turned to point at Harry and said. "Wait a second, there are no sanitizing and fake insanitary spells...well, there probably are somewhere...but not any that you know!"

"Wait...I'm touching something with piss stain's...ew!" said Buffy, taking her hand off the yellow stained portion of the teddy bear she'd been grasping and reaching for another, unstained, though they were all covered by people's hands.

"Um...anybody care to move your hand?" said Buffy, who REALLY did not want to touch the yellow stain.

Jack standing right next to her, sighed heavily, and grabbed the yellow stain, freeing the spot his hand had previously been for her to grab.

"There are many things that are yellow that could have caused that..."Jack started to say, but at that moment, he saw something out of the corner of his eye, and drew his sword to deflect a green bolt of light heading for Buffy.

Unfortunately for both him AND Buffy, the portkey had disappeared at the exact second Jack had let go.

Several men in black robes, with masks covering their faces, stepped out into the clearing.

"Ha, Potter's allies are a bunch of damned muggles!" said one of them, laughing.

"Ha! what's this one gonna do, shoot us...oh wait, he'd need a gun for that!" said another one.

"Wait, of COURSE! He's going to cut our heads off! On my, spare me, oh powerful mud-dweller!" said another one, laughing his arse off.

Apparently, these idiots had completely forgotten that Jack had deflected the most powerful spell that had previously been established as the spell that couldn't be blocked by any form of magical shield, could barely be dodged, especially couldn't be blocked.

Perhaps the thought that a muggle could stop their strongest spells was too much for their brains to register, causing them to go into massive denial.

"I don't miss twice, muggle," said the one who'd fired the spell at them to begin with.

"If an attack is deflected, it is not considered a miss," said Jack.

"Ha, that was just an optical illusion...nothing can block the killing curse!" said the Death Eater.

"Except for a the muggle that you JUST saw block it with his sword...er...i think he did anyway," said Buffy. "I kinda blinked, so I missed it,"

"OOh, looks like Potter supplies his shithead group with some FINE meat!' said another Death Easter, laughing his arse off. "Well, since his mud-dwellers are gonna get themselves killed, i guess he's gonna have to make himself some replacement filth!"

"If you think those insults will do anything more than alert me to you're location, you are sorely mistaken..." said Jack.

"Shut up and be a good mud-man, and maybe you'll live long enough to screw the blond mud-licker...but be careful, you might catch fleas...oh wait, you muggles already have them, so no worries...if we don't have a poke at it first..." said the Death Eater who was apparently the leader.

"You are a fool," said Jack, getting into a fighting stace that he'd be able to use to defend multiple sides. "And a young fool at that, as are the rest of this outfit, with little experience in combat... so tell me, where is the true warrior amoung you hiding?"

The Deatheaters were silent, and continued to point their wands at Jack and Buffy, glaring at the muggle for daring to speak out against purebloods such as themselves.

Jack got into a stance that allowed him to watch the D.E.s behind him by using his blade as a mirror. Buffy decided to just crouch low and pull out her cross bow.

They both waited for the green bolts to come...

**A/N: CLIFFHANGER!! After such a long wait too! I know this chapter wasn't as random as the original, and that the insults from the Death Eaters seemed stupid, but I'm trying to keep this T-rated! That means that they can't act like the ignorant racist/facist/idiots they are and cuss more often then **


End file.
